I Get By With A Little Help From My Imaginary Friends

I have maybe 10-15 imaginary friends.  Some are around more than others.

1. Jane Austen.  
I actually became Jane Austen while reading her works.  I adopted her manner of speech, and her English accent, in my own writing.  Quite by accident!  Reading begets imagination and fantasy, all while you are inside someone else's head!  How can you NOT be imaginary friends at that point? 

2. Sarah Silverman.  
She is always teasing me about being in love with Bill Maher.  She's all like "Bill and Lil up in a tree...."

3. Bill Maher.  
I never would've sorted out my Planet Venis idea if it hadn't been for him.  His feedback helped me make a bad idea, well,  a little less bad.  He's gotten less funny with age, but still, I like having someone smart to bounce ideas around with.  

4. The Wise Sloth.  
I got sucked into his blogosphere maybe a couple years ago, and we've been imaginary friends ever since.  He has helped me understand the military and christianity, among other things.  He even helped me with one of my videos.  

I actually asked The Wise Sloth for an interview in real life, since the imaginary one went so well.  I didn't tell him there was an imaginary interview already, though.  Which is probably why he said yes.

Bill Maher got a little jealous when I told him about it, and it was adorable.  He was all like "oh so you're all in love with the wise sloth now?"  And I was all like, "yeah except he's a sloth, lucky for you."

Avascular Necrosis and PRC

post-op

Avascular necrosis means death from lack of blood supply.  So a couple of my wrist bones somehow lost their blood supply, died and withered, which caused me pain and limited movement.  There was no event, no car accident, no fist fight, no I didn't punch a wall.  If I were angry enough to throw a punch, it would be a left hook.  And that's only happened, like, maybe twice.  

I just thought it was arthritis.  I ignored it for a long time until I couldn't take the pain anymore.  I went to the doctor because I wanted to play guitar again.

my scar today

I was surprised to find out that I needed surgery.  They removed the 3 offending bones from my wrist in a procedure called Proximal Row Carpectomy.  

weird bump

deformed thumb joint

They say it takes up to 1.5 years to recover from this, so that means November 2016.  We shall see.  I had 6 weeks of physical therapy, which amounted to massage and stretching and was excruciating.  My wrist does not bend back AT ALL.  I can't do my girly push ups anymore, for example, cuz I can't bend or bear weight on that wrist.  Or open a jar.

I haven't tried to play piano or drums yet.  I have played the guitar a little, just enough to figure out the chords to "exes and ohs" by Elle King.  I hope someday I can strap on and rock out.  (with my cock out, of course).   At the very least, I hope someday it stops hurting all the time.  Amen.

Decoding The Mysteries Of Myself

I took this free strengths test, and got a detailed report for free.  What did I get out of it?  Well, it was accurate.  My main results were 

1. potential cultivator (cultivator of potential)
2. integrator
3. thinker
4. student
5. presenter


Afterward, they offered me a free personality test, which I took.  Then they gave me a peek of the results, 

MBTI: INTP
rational-architect
main quality: problem solving

and offered me the detailed report for $3.95.  Which I bought, and I'm glad I did.  It was so accurate I actually cried.

The take away was that they've classified people into 4 basic personality types- artisan, guardian, rational, idealist.  Each of those 4 has a subset.

So within the personality type "rational", for example, there are 4 subtypes- field marshal, mastermind, inventor, architect.

Rationals are sparse, an estimated 5-10% of the population, and architects are as rare as maybe 1% of the population.

No wonder I feel so alone!  

It's kind of a relief to know that, odds are, no one will ever understand me.  That being said, maybe now I can figure out how to write jokes that work.

Brutal Honesty

Why is it so hard to be honest about what I want?  Communication is pointless without honesty, and if it's too hard for me to say, then I'm gonna have to write it down.  And if I want something specific from my partner, I gotta figure out a way to tell him.  Lucky for him, I'm quite simple.

All I ask, is that my partner is nice to me.  Don't insult me.  Don't try to make me feel bad for things I don't feel bad about.  Don't leave passive-aggressive messes around the house for me to clean up.  Clean your own shit out of the toilet.  Clean up after yourself.  Do your own laundry.  Buy and make your own food if you don't like what I make, I am not a restaurant.

Respect my schedule.  For 2 weeks out of the month I will be very horny and I will need attention.  I will do anything you ask of me- except anal- as long as I get my oral-fuck-oral-fuck thing that I like before you finish.  

The other 2 weeks of the month, I barely even think about sex, so you have to tell me when you need it.  You can bend me over pretty much anytime to meet your daily needs, as long as you leave me alone for the other 23 1/2 hours of the day, because those 2 weeks are for cleaning the house, socializing and my creative endeavors.  Of course if I had a partner who liked socializing or helping me with my projects, the "leave me alone" rule would scarcely apply.

Ideally, my partner would actually like me, respect me, know who I am and understand where I'm going.  I should be with someone who enjoys weed and wine and can take a joke.  Someone with as much confidence and capability as I have.  Someone who sees the big picture, someone at least as worldly as I am.  Someone who has been homeless like me, someone who has seen the worst of people, like me.  Someone who understands the real world because they've lived in it.  Someone with a depression-era attitude like me, someone who isn't a spoiled little bitch who thinks repairs are beneath them and needs everything to be brand new all the time.  That is so wasteful and selfish!  Life is too short for this bullshit!

I'm Dreaming Of A Green Future by Ling Carsby

I want to make the world a better place, sure, but I haven't come up with any practical solutions.  I have been reading a ton of other people's ideas, though.

1. the venus project 
suggestions for a resourced-based economy, house designs for energy efficiency

I read and watched everything on this.  Cool guy, cool ideas.

2. the zeitgeist movement
same thing

I watched the movies too, and I thought they were half inspiring and truthful, half over-the-top impractical.  Not that there's anything wrong with the ideas though.

3. the wise sloth
eco-cities, floating islands, communal living ideas

This guy wants to build an intellectual monastery, an idea that I love so much I wanna get tweaky with it.  And I'm pretty good at tweaking, so.

4. earth ships
self contained, off the grid housing designs

holy fuck, an earth ship on a floating island- first choice if I didn't have kids.  Maybe when we grow up.

I think maybe combining the earth ship idea with the monastery idea would be easier to sell people on.  It would be like an intellectual trailer park rather than an intellectual hotel.  This is way less eco, I realize.  And more work in the winter, too.  But some people can't share space, so.  I'd buy tiny houses for each of my kids if I could.

I could sell my place, buy some land and have one earth ship built.  But honestly, if I could lobby enough like-minded green future sailors, we could all pitch in and raise enough money to build an earth ship intellectual monastery.  We just can't call it that, we'll call it something else, something that doesn't scare people into thinking they have to shave their heads.  People hear connotations instead of words.  So we'll have to call it the Pot Farm or something, to attract the right kind of people ;)

"may your days be airy and clean, and may all your futures be green"- Ling Carsby

Your Behavior Speaks A Thousand Words

Whatever it is that you are- for better or for worse- is more obvious than you realize!  Everything you say and do can be traced back to your core beliefs, revealing them to the world, whether you like it or not.  

For example:

I pulled hair out of the shower drain, while I was showering, and left it on the edge of the tub.  I was gonna throw it in the trash but I forgot.  My roommate complained "I hate it when you do that it is so fucking disgusting it grosses me out".  While a wet and slimy clump of hair on the edge of the tub does look gross, I have seen- and touched- much worse.  So while this asshole is complaining, his scope is showing.  Meaning, the scope of his experience.  By comparison, a doctor wouldn't bitch about something like this because a doctor has seen much, much worse gross.  Like a parent.  Or anyone who isn't a spoiled little bitch.  Of course, a better person would've ignored it, joked about it, or just thrown it out.

Ya know those people who try to make other people look and feel stupid?  They are revealing their own insecurity about their own intelligence.  

Ya know those people who talk nice to you but insult you at the same time?  They're jealous of you.

Ya know those people who speak one philosophy but live another?  They're seriously pissing me off.

Patience waning, snap waxing.  Clock ticking...

Why 50 Shades Is Appealing To Women

*Update: because I finally watched the fucking movie.  


They have "first time" sex once, then all he wants to do is tie her up, go down on her and then fuck her.  She doesn't ever blow him, he won't even let her touch him.

Wait, so you wanna tie me up and I'll just lay here while you do all the work?  Can I get that in writing?  

No wonder 50 Shades is appealing to women!

Only scroll down if you need instructions on decoding women using their menstrual cycle, or if you enjoy my drunken TMI rants.


old blog:
I haven't read or seen 50 Shades of Black&Blue-I mean-Grey.  Only the trailer and a youtube video called "everything wrong" with it.  It seems the gist of it is that the guy is Dominant and the girl is Submissive.  

A popular opinion is that women secretly want to be controlled and the popularity of this movie proves it.  Women fear that this opinion translates to a justification of rape, because they don't want to be raped.  Controlled is up for discussion.  See the difference?  Please see the difference.

Gay people talk about tops and bottoms all the time, but most straight people don't.  I realized in my 30's that I am a bottom, and I wish I had been able to articulate that at a much younger age.  Take away: know yourself, articulate, cut your losses, get what you need, before it's too late.

I think the appeal of 50 shades is the written contract, to be honest.  And the kink... being served up in a seemingly caring and protective hostage-like situation.  Intriguing...

Now I need to articulate something else that will help males interact with females, and females interact with themselves.

Women are on a menstrual cycle.  So, when she's on her period, that's week one.  Shark Week.  That's the calm after the storm. 

Week 2, she's got more energy and is probably a bit horny.

Week 3, even more energy and wicked fucking horny.

Week 4, PMS, very emotional, crying for seemingly no reason- leave her alone all week (this week for me, FYI)

That's it.  That's the key to every menstruating female in the world.  Please follow it exactly god dammit!