Tuesday, October 13, 2020

Twin Flames

 twin flames = soul mates = split aparts = BORG

I don't know how I feel about these theories but I have had some experiences lately that triggered this research. There's a lot of people talking about this on the internet.

Some say your twin flame shares your soul, that you are 2 halves of a whole. One is positive one is negative, like 2 ends of a magnet, and this polarity is how you know you found each other. One is divine masculine and one is divine feminine. I wonder if I might be the DM, and my other half is a masculine man on the outside with the DF soul. Wouldn't surprise me.

Some say when you meet your twin flame, you start thinking about them constantly, and they show up in your dreams and daydreams, as this is your souls recognizing each other subconsciously and talking to each other in the quantum realm. 

And you begin to notice other synchronicities, messages from the universe popping up everywhere, like numbers, songs, people randomly talking on the street saying what you need to hear, a relevant commercial coming on, strange things like that. And your psychic powers, empathy, clairvoyance, clairaudience, telekinesis, telepathy, astral projection etc all intensify, simply due to meeting.

A quantum entanglement, they call it. 

I need to untangle my own soul either way. If we're one soul, then I get to you through my own soul. Not to be all Ayn Rand but I need to do what I was born to do, not what you were born to do, and I say that not knowing either of those things,

and if there really is a quantum existence where we connect, then


also if there is a collective then technically we're all soul mates

also I wonder if its more likely that we exist in a quantum parallel universe and our soul mate is really just ourself in a parallel world, born as the opposite gender perhaps...

Tuesday, October 6, 2020

What Should I Do? What Would You Do?

 I don't talk about this because I'm embarrassed, I guess... but if I avoid the problem then I'm not solving the problem. Actually I've just been living with it for almost 10 years now. It's like I just accepted it like "ok I guess this is me now" but in any other country they would have just fixed me... am I such a brainwashed American that I just do what my country tells me to, instead of fighting for my health? and a normal life? 

Physically recovering from anal surgery is 10 months where you're basically in bed on morphine, on a liquid diet.  The state of Maine was nice enough to give me $500 a month TANF to live on while I applied for disability, I crammed 3 roommates in with me to make ends meet, and to help take care of things while I was recovering. And my surgery actually failed, so I'm not even really recovered. Medicare/Medicaid refuse to fund another surgery because the failure rate is still at 50%. So I didn't get my life back. But I did get disability which is $1300 a month so I was relieved to get it. 

I just feel a little useless I guess. I'm not normal, I'm high maintenance. I want to be helpful but I'm limited. Is this really me now?

In retrospect, I should have been outraged instead of defeated, and I should have exploited my situation for the greater good. I should have told my story and started a movement for M4A using myself as an example... If I were a Brit or Canadian I would be fixed by now and back to work. So, in a way, isn't that more American? 

Many people have said I should start a go fund me/kick start or whatever the fuck but I am just too embarrassed to ask for money for anal surgery. I suppose I should research surgeons, maybe it wouldn't hurt to find out how much I would need to raise... UGH! I CAN'T

I just need to get rich and famous with my music I guess.

Saturday, October 3, 2020

Administrative Coup To Save The Country From Covid, Since The Government Won't

 1.People who work in DHHS, unemployment and social security need to hack the system, so that everyone receives benefits

2. With everyone on welfare we can shut down every business and remain quarantined long enough for covid to burn out

3. Since administrative/secretarial work is for women and gays, no one will probably even notice

Sunday, April 26, 2020

Blah, Blah, Blahg

My music life-if I were living it- I'd be playing guitar every day, finishing all those songs, starting new ones, building an online presence, investing in copywriting and licensing and Logic and a new computer...

My barbie life- if I were living it- I'd turn the basement into a film studio and craft center, and finish all the shit I got going half way.  I'd set up the Flake & Diva set permanently so I could film every little idea, and have other sets for other videos and not have to strike the flake &diva set... I'd set up the sewing machine and learn how to use it once and for all, and make all kinds of stuff, use up all that fabric... set up another camera behind the camera to film real behind the scenes footage... I'd buy an actual camera instead of using my phone...

My astrology life- if I were living it- I'd be making videos in the defense of astrology, explaining the value and showing people how to actually use it for themselves, and selling my product, and maybe writing a book, maybe taking clients, maybe start a podcast

My home owner life- if I were living it- I'd be fixing up the house, and cleaning up the yard and preparing the garden beds, setting up the squirrel houses, fixing the fence, moving the greenhouses, planning the stage... getting rid of all the stuff, selling stuff... I could film home shopping network style videos and infomercials for my products and services...

My weight loss journey- if I were really living it- I'd be filming myself working out, cooking, shopping and journaling my progress, giving my tips and explaining what ive learned about how sugar and carbs make me feel, discuss my lifestyle changes, fasting, my strict diet... I could even do another cookbook...

Maybe I should be filming myself right now, typing this on my laptop on a pillow in my lap as I sit up in bed, joint in my mouth, crying, butthurt, hating my haterz... this is the show, right here.

I'm All Butt Hurt

I want y'all to know why I'm such a cunt.  

Is there a best way to present this information? Maybe I will start by explaining my condition as clearly as I can: 

I have anal prolapse.  

Not a full on sphincter prolapse, yet. 

The mucousal lining of the rectum is detached and prolapses on a regular basis.  It is a condition that is progressive in nature due to gravity and daily use.  It's an open wound that cannot heal, up inside my rectum, stung by fecal bacteria every single day.

I have to take Milk Of Magnesia and Citrucel every night before I go to bed, to manage this.  Milk Of Mag basically gives me multiple rounds of diarrhea every morning, which is much less painful to pass than something solid.  The Citrucel makes the diarrhea stick together somewhat to prevent diverticulitis (trapped poop debris).  I still get trapped debris every day, and I have to use a lubed, gloved finger to go up and try to remove it or it will get infected.  Sometimes I cant locate the debris but I know its there because I can feel something stuck up in the folds somewhere stinging and burning...

Obviously I have to watch what I eat, because certain things will make this even worse, like kale and sesame seeds and pub mustard, for example.  

This all started in January 2011, right after giving birth. I had corrective surgery in November 2011, but it failed.  Meaning they were not able to reattach the lining to the rectum.  If I were independently wealthy I would have another surgery, but I am on SSDI and Medicare, and Mainecare.  The state wont pay for another surgery because there is still a 50% failure rate at this time.  I've been instructed to just manage this the best I can until technological advances are made!  

And if I cant take the pain? They will remove my rectum and give me a colostomy bag! 

PLEASE, NOT THAT! I suppose I choose pain over that!

But I'm at my wit's end here! My ass is always killing me! Up inside my butt is on fire!  It feels like there is a long scrape on the right side of the inside of my rectum and it stings and throbs constantly.  The prolapsed blossom at the anus is bloody and swollen and sore and I have to sit on it.  Now imagine having poop in there and trying to get it out! It takes all day! And there's blood and pain and more blood and more pain! 

And the threat of a colostomy bag makes it so I dont even wanna complain about it!

I cant work! 
I cant even think straight half the time because of the pain.  
I can't venture too far from a bathroom either!

I had a band, I had gigs, I had a career, and a life.  BUT I DONT WANT A COLOSTOMY BAG FOR THE LOVE OF GOD NO!

Anyway, all that being said, 





Friday, September 6, 2019

I have officially lost faith in the male species...

I have officially lost faith in the male species. You ruin porn with your lousy cunnilingus! Every guy going down on a girl in porn acts like he doesn't wanna be doing it. He's going so fast like "hurry up and cum, hurry up and cum" what are you even doing? It's a beautiful pussy! Savor it, for fucks sake! Furthermore, every guy I've met in person while online dating has either: -lied or misrepresented themselves in some way -misinterpreted/disregarded everything I said in my profile -asked too much of me too soon So fuck off, I dont need dick so much that I'll put up with your disrespect. I'll masturbate 3 times a day rather than waste my time with you. Even though porn sucks now thanks to your lousy...

Monday, February 25, 2019

New Year's resolution rant

Common New Year's resolutions:
Be a better spouse, Be a better parent, Be nicer, Be healthier

New Year's Resolutions like these focus on making other people happier with you.  Maybe you think that will make you happy, but it won't (it won't make them happy, either).  In order to be successful, resolutions must have a personal meaning.  After all, it's your life, and no one can live it for you, or care about it or influence it as much as you do, or see what you see from your perspective or feel what you feel in your body.  So, the one resolution you should make is....

This Year, I'm Gonna Make Peace With Myself!  

And in doing so, you will in fact be a better spouse, parent, a nicer person and a healthier person!  I promise!  It will even help you to be better at work!

Common responses to this:
But I am at peace with myself!  It's my spouse who wants me to change....*
How can I make peace with myself when I know how horrible I am?**
Wtf, it's not like I have multiple personalities up in here, all in conflict with each other!***
Total Breakdown, Sobbing Unabashedly****

But I digress.  I want to explain how to go about making peace with yourself!  Why?  Because it's hard!  

Your subconscious mind will work against you, without you realizing it.  Negative feelings create negative behavior, and nothing good ever comes of negative behavior.  We're supposed to be able to rise above our primal, instinctual feelings, and use them as a survival tool.  But   
 Here's an analogy: when you delete an application from your hard drive, it doesn't get deleted completely, some caches and logs remain, just taking up space not being used.  The human brain is the same way when we learn something new.  The old information is still there and subconsciously influences your behavior and decisions, but you don't realize it.

For example: People who smoke cigarettes, smoke for a reason!  

Smoking gives you cancer.  That kind of news should be enough to make anyone quit as soon as they hear it, never mind the non-smokers bitching about how gross you smell and sound.  If people continue to smoke, then it must be because they "believe" (subconsciously) it is helping them somehow (stay slim), and they are choosing the consequences of smoking as the lesser of 2 evils (they'd rather be dead than fat), subconsciously of course.  Consciously, we all know the dangers of smoking, but our subconscious, our "core beliefs", as wrong as they may be, will trump the scientific data every time; basically our advanced human physiology allows us to feel right when we're wrong.  We just don't recognize it in ourselves when it's happening.  Damn those core beliefs!  

So, in making peace with yourself, you must start to analyze yourself.  Try to recognize the human part of you that allows you to think that you are correct and justified when you are not.  Yeah, it's pretty fucking hard.  You have to challenge every negative feeling you ever get, against an instinctual need to defend them, in order to think clearly.  This takes LOTS of practice, and humbling!  

Forget about what other people think, forget saving face or exacting revenge or not being defeated- fuck those guys and fuck this fake shit that doesn't matter; You must force yourself to practice the "fuck those guys" mental isolation technique to retrain your brain (get unstuck) and focus on what's important.  Make it real somehow, apply it to your life; it may seem weird at first, but so does an exercise routine.  It will get easier!  Especially since this fight is between you and you alone!  This does not concern anybody else!  Fuck those guys!  Fix you!  It's harder than you thought, but it will be worth it for all of us, I promise!


For example: that moment when the conversation turns into a fight.  You don't know exactly how, but something was said that made you feel offended, right?  

Your instinct is to retaliate or defend, BUT DON'T!  Don't say a fucking thing.  Learn to RECOGNIZE this offense without responding or reacting to it.  This is an exercise in regret prevention, and you'll thank me later, when you manage to prevent a big fight, you normally would've had, because you learned this simple technique!

First, you have to make sure you understand what it is you are feeling offended about, and is it just, or uncalled for?  Are you feeling resentment that you caused by being untrue to yourself?  It is common enough, I'll tell you that right now; I know a lot of people's business.  We're all the same.  We all need the same advice.  Eventually we all fess up.

Because we're not prepared!  We don't know ourselves at all!  We can make excuses, we can get by.  I don't do that anymore, not after years of therapy.  I get it now.  Most people don't get it.  If you didn't learn to get it from your parents, that means they don't get it either and still don't.

Some people treat themselves to guilty pleasures, which is the opposite of being true to yourself!  It's like, being your own Pinocchio peer pressure bully!  Somehow convincing you that to trade your schoolbooks for a ticket to the freak show will yield no negative consequence!  Guilty pleasures?  Guilt and pleasure do not even belong in the same sentence, as they cannot live for very long in the same body!  Guilt comes back when the pleasure's all done, and gets bored and restless and creates new problems!  My advice: Strive for a guilt-free existence by being honest with yourself and everyone around you.  Don't do things that you know will make you feel guilty later.  Stop betraying yourself.  You're all you've got!

*If you're ok with yourself the way you are but your spouse isn't, and you're willing to change yourself to suit the spouse, then you are not at peace with yourself.  Personally, I'd look for a new spouse.

**If you are truly horrible, you must be a sociopath; sociopaths do not have feelings, and wouldn't be reading a blog about new year's resolutions because they ain't changin' shit.  Most likely, you've done or said some horrible things and your guilt and embarrassment is the punishment you know you deserve.  So you're stuck in a subconscious cycle of self hatred and self destructive behaviors that feed your self hatred.....  but you must be a good person, otherwise you wouldn't feel guilt or embarrassment in the first place.  And you're reading this, so you're open to learning thus growing, and that's actually the most respectable thing a human can do in their spare time!

***Yes, you do!

****It's not your fault! It's not your fault! It's not your fault! It's not your fault!

Seriously, it's not your fault.  You were born without your permission.  You were taught what ever the fuck your people teach their young, and that is not your fault, or your parents' fault, even- it's way bigger than that, so...  Everybody knows you had nothing to do with creating your core beliefs, they are incidental.  Accidental even.  Picked up along the way, indeed.  Acquired.  That's a fact.