Dead and Dying

 My third album is called Dead and Dying. This is a collection of songs that I wrote about another tumultuous relationship. Again, I am looking at this whole situation with disgust, through adult eyes, with years of therapy under my belt... 

If I knew then what I know now, this relationship would never have happened! I ignored every red flag right from the start! Let me explain:

1. Live Like This

I wrote this because he didn't want anything serious and I was trying to be the cool girl about it.

2. Writer's Block

I wrote this about how I should stop seeing him since I found out he has a girlfriend... and I did. But started again after a couple months. Eventually he moved in.

3. Dead and Dying

I wrote this about living with a liar, who thinks you are also a liar.

4. Broke

I wrote this after we broke up but were still sleeping together ??? I was a mess. And then I got pregnant. And he moved back in.

5. Don't Let The Rain Out

I wrote this when I found out he was cheating on me, while I was pregnant, of course he was. He moved in with her when I was 8 months along.

6. Come Back

Sigh. I have to forgive myself for being like that. But I cringe.

7. Bitch Tax

I wrote this many years later. We should have been in a much better place but for some reason, he kept us in the past, and had so much hate and distrust for me, and acted outright disrespectful to me. As if he misremembered our entire history.

If you can relate to any of my songs, you are probably in an abusive relationship. Instead of writing songs about these jerks, I should have just left them! I had no self respect. I was co dependent.  Please don't stay with people who are hurting you. Love shouldn't be a struggle.

The Long Night

 My second album is called The Long Night. I wrote these songs between the ages of 21 and 31, to express what I was going through. It tells the story of a stupid 21 year old falling for an older man, who manages to convince her that she can have it all... marriage, kids and a career in music... and then turns out to be a raging alcoholic with anger issues. But it takes ten long years for her to figure out that it's not going to get better. It takes ten years of abuse before she realizes she would rather be dead than live one more second with a drunken man baby who thinks he's king.

Of course, I'm looking back on this time with adult eyes, with years of therapy under my belt. That whole time I didn't know I could call it abuse. I didn't know that I was being gaslit into insanity. I didn't see that I was allowing myself to be exploited, that I was enabling alcoholism. I never had any self respect in my romantic relationships, I assume because I was sexually assaulted so much as a kid. Of course now I can see all the red flags in retrospect. 

If I knew then what I know now, I never would have put up with him! I would have broken up with him after the first temper tantrum. I was so dumb! 

If you relate to any of the songs on this album, you are probably in an abusive relationship. Consider talking to a therapist, just in case. 

Track list and song descriptions:

1. Happy

Basically, a song about a stupid 21 year old who thinks she's found a keeper. The fact that he was 28 was the first of many bright, red flags. I was so easy to fool!

2. Almost Tomorrow

"let's work hard to build a life better than this one." Which I did.

3. Life And Love

This is a "Keep calm and carry on" song. A "cycle of life" song. My husband's father got cancer and was dying while I was pregnant. He died, and then we had our first baby shortly after.

4. Loud And Clear

This drunken asshole is starting to get on her nerves. But she thinks she can handle it. And she believes he wants to do better, he just needs to be told. I clearly didn't understand what I was dealing with.

5. Never Good

This song is basically saying, "every time you open your mouth, you put your foot in it" and to answer your question, No, he didn't get the hint. He didn't listen to my songs. He just kept on talking shit and yelling and embarrassing me in public.

6. Truth Is Rising

This song is a bid for peace in a never ending war with an alcoholic. It didn't work.

7. Strange Soliloquy

This song is about wishing he would change. But from the lyrics I can tell that I still didn't understand that he was planning on exploiting me as long as we lived. I was very naive, wish he could read thoughts in my head- as if he cared! Even if he could have read my mind, he would've just used that information to exploit me and control me even more! It was never a fair fight and I actually thought it was. I was so clueless!

8. Bent

I have had it! But I still keep truckin' on for some reason! But someday, Buster, someday!

9. Kick

This is my "alter ego" song, where I explore really wanting to hurt him back... but of course I cave in at the end, I'm all like "just kidding! I didnt mean to hurt you even though you hurt me every day" I was completely brainwashed!

10. Little Lies

Can't lie to myself any more. Ok maybe a little.

11. Craving A Connection

It's lonely living with someone who hates you.

12. Waiting For Sunrise

Get busy living, or get busy dying.

And then I got a therapist. 

Click Bait-y Titles For My Memoir

 I Was A Six Year Old Sex Slave

Sex At Six: And Boy, Was I Screwed

How Fucking Kids Fucks Them For Life

The "high school drama" Album

This body of work should have been packaged and released a long time ago, so I'm doing it now. 

These songs tell the story of who I was at the time they were written, and the rocky- um, actually, toxic- relationship that I was in. Even though this relationship and these songs happened after I graduated, I was still only 18 at the beginning- 20 by the end, but still a child the whole time. Of course, I'm viewing this "high school drama" with adult eyes, with years of therapy under my belt. Kids can't help what they don't know, and what they don't know is what hurts them. In hindsight, I never should have stayed with someone who wasn't good for me. These songs should never have happened!

1. movie girl

"her bf acts like he wants someone else, she's jealous and insecure, asking for reassurance and not getting it..." 

Red flag, gurl, DUMP HIM

2. rhyme

"she's still with this jerk and this song is about how it's going..."

Many specific red flags here, DUMP HIM

3. whatever

"she's not happy with him for all these reasons but is willing to overlook them if he would just be a little more fair, or something..."

Ignoring the red flags and gaslighting yourself? DUMP HIM

4. anything to do with love

"she's cheating because he's cheating, like, to get even..."

You are not handling this situation correctly! DUMP HIM

5. trying to save u

"she tried to stand up for herself but then he got mad and now she's like oh sorry baby did I hurt you I'm so sorry I'll never do it again you are my lord and savior..."

Look what he's done to you! DUMP HIM

6. waterfall

"she's taken all she can take and she's done..."

Well it's about time! DUMP HIM

7. my little life

"she lost... him? her life with him? a little life... a baby? And she's depressed..."

Sorry about the miscarriage but you dodged a bullet! MOVE ON

8. the one

"she's broken up with him but they're "still friends" and all she can think about is what he's doing now that's she's not there, and for some reason is torturing herself by asking him and fighting with him about it even though she says she needs time to mend..."

The epitome of high school drama! Let it go! MOVE ON

9. who I am

"she's had time to mend, she's finally over him, and they are still friends, even though everyone says its a bad idea, because they can't see who she has become since the breakup..."

And at this point she really did move on.

If you should find yourself relating to any of these songs, I strongly recommend talking to a therapist about the way your partner makes you feel, so you can respond in a healthier way than I did.

DIY My Way To The Middle

I don't know why I'm like this, I don't mean to be, 

life would be easier without this stupid "dream" or "ambition" or whatever it is. But I just always sing and write songs, and I have done this since I was a single digit child. I have always wanted to make professional recordings of my songs and hear them on the radio and have people like them and all that, and I think I just assumed I could grow up and be a full time musician... not understanding that life and husbands and kids would slow me way down...

And what I want just happens to be like the most expensive thing you could want... I mean, professional studio time and musicians, mixing and mastering and cds, at like $2500 per song, and an album is like 10 songs... That's why I started making demos on GarageBand in 2008.

Fifteen years later, I'm probably an expert at recording in GarageBand. I'm grateful that I get to record everything myself and execute my vision without some dude telling me it's a bad idea without even understanding what I'm after... 

Still, this doesn't yield the highest of quality required for industry standards. I still really want to make a high quality record someday, in a real studio, and have it mastered by a pro like Adam Ayan or Bob Ludwig. 

Until then it's DIY. I made a website on Bandzoogle and released the album "high school drama". I ordered physical CDs, and some magnets.

 I might do other Merch, idk. I might have a cd release party and try to sell stuff. Maybe I'll perform a couple of songs from the album. 

Maybe this can be like fundraising for my dream. I'll release a few DIY albums until I raise the 10 grand to make a real studio album.

 

 

My Thoughts On People Who Try To Debunk Astrology

 I have seen SO many you tubers doing videos trying to debunk astrology. They all say the same things, as if they're copying each other instead of doing actual research.

If you think you can "test" astrology using only sun signs, then you don't understand astrology enough to test it. And if you don't even try to understand it, how are you going to conclude that it doesn't work?

I love how they say that believers are relying on cognitive bias in order to believe in it, while relying on their own cognitive bias to claim it as false...

...they don't care to understand how astrology works because according to their cognitive bias, there is no way astrology could work, so they don't need to study any further... interesting... tell me again how cognitive bias makes me stupid...

Now, I am someone who really wanted to debunk astrology, so much that I studied it. I really wanted to understand why astrologers were saying what they say. I wanted to know how horoscopes were cast, and what information they're getting and how they're using it.

I'm considering doing a "debunking this video" series where I go through each one of these and tell them exactly how their cognitive bias is keeping them from understanding the thing they are trying to pick apart.

Am I Demisexual? (Trigger Warning)

I was today years old when I heard this word. And I was TRIGGERED.

Not literally today, but like, recently, when someone said they were demisexual and I had to google it and watch a bunch of you tubers talking about it... 

I was all like:

What? 

What is this? 

You only want sex when you're in a committed relationship? 

You don't desire sex unless you're already into somebody?

So you're asexual until... you're not?

I mean I still don't really get it, but... Am I demisexual?

I am triggered by this idea, to tears and rage! 

Because I didn't get to decide for myself what my sexuality was or is, I didn't get to discover this on my own. 

I was sexually assaulted -the first time- by a family member, when I was 6 years old. And that went on for a year before he was caught. So I learned about sex from a horny teenage boy, who showed me a Penthouse magazine, and made me do things I didn't wanna do. Then somehow he managed to convince me and my siblings that it was all my fault, and that I would get into huge trouble if caught, so I carried this secret around with me in first and second grade. And to top it all off, my siblings used this against me every day, as blackmail. Like, "if you don't go downstairs and get drinks for us, we're gonna tell Mom your big secret," for example... I don't think they really understood what the secret was exactly (even though he molested my sister too) or that I was being hurt, I'm sure they just liked being the boss of me.  I am just now realizing how fucking traumatic this all was for me...

... so I don't know if that somehow set the stage, but I was sexually assaulted again from age 11 to age 14 by another family member... my sister and I both were... he drugged us and fucked us, sodomized us, we both have butt problems to this day, no joke...

It was around age 15 that boys started to "make out" with girls, and it wasn't long before some rando got me to go all the way. His tiny dick was nothing compared to what I'd already been exposed to, and the experience was short and, relatively, sweet. It was his first time (and officially mine too).  I barely even liked him, but I knew I could blow his mind with sex, so I did. He got off; I never even got horny... 

And still, I have sex when I don't want to, with people I don't want, ALL THE TIME.  I mean, like, you don't understand how much unwanted sex I have had to have in my lifetime, and even to this day. 

Sex has never been for me or about me or what I want, it's always been about getting through it, playing a role, servicing a man, to keep him happy... it's been transactional, or just one of my expected duties.

Imagine if I was normal! If I had been given the opportunity to learn about sex on my own time, in my own way... what would I have discovered about myself? Maybe I would have focused on my brain, my passions for singing and social justice and my future, instead of learning to acquiesce all the time. 

I suppose the biggest difference is that I would have started the journey with my own body's pleasure as the focus instead of someone else's.