Not literally today, but like, recently, when someone said they were demisexual and I had to google it and watch a bunch of you tubers talking about it...
I was all like:
What?
What is this?
You only want sex when you're in a committed relationship?
You don't desire sex unless you're already into somebody?
So you're asexual until... you're not?
I mean I still don't really get it, but... Am I demisexual?
I am triggered by this idea, to tears and rage!
Because I didn't get to decide for myself what my sexuality was or is, I didn't get to discover this on my own.
I was sexually assaulted -the first time- by a family member, when I was 6 years old. And that went on for a year before he was caught. So I learned about sex from a horny teenage boy, who showed me a Penthouse magazine, and made me do things I didn't wanna do. Then somehow he managed to convince me and my siblings that it was all my fault, and that I would get into huge trouble if caught, so I carried this secret around with me in first and second grade. And to top it all off, my siblings used this against me every day, as blackmail. Like, "if you don't go downstairs and get drinks for us, we're gonna tell Mom your big secret," for example... I don't think they really understood what the secret was exactly (even though he molested my sister too) or that I was being hurt, I'm sure they just liked being the boss of me. I am just now realizing how fucking traumatic this all was for me...
... so I don't know if that somehow set the stage, but I was sexually assaulted again from age 11 to age 14 by another family member... my sister and I both were... he drugged us and fucked us, sodomized us, we both have butt problems to this day, no joke...
It was around age 15 that boys started to "make out" with girls, and it wasn't long before some rando got me to go all the way. His tiny dick was nothing compared to what I'd already been exposed to, and the experience was short and, relatively, sweet. It was his first time (and officially mine too). I barely even liked him, but I knew I could blow his mind with sex, so I did. He got off; I never even got horny...
And still, I have sex when I don't want to, with people I don't want, ALL THE TIME. I mean, like, you don't understand how much unwanted sex I have had to have in my lifetime, and even to this day.
Sex has never been for me or about me or what I want, it's always been about getting through it, playing a role, servicing a man, to keep him happy... it's been transactional, or just one of my expected duties.
Imagine if I was normal! If I had been given the opportunity to learn about sex on my own time, in my own way... what would I have discovered about myself? Maybe I would have focused on my brain, my passions for singing and social justice and my future, instead of learning to acquiesce all the time.
I suppose the biggest difference is that I would have started the journey with my own body's pleasure as the focus instead of someone else's.