The Sexes Of England

English History


There's a Sussex- because of South Saxons. 

There's an Essex because of East Saxons.

There used to be a Wessex, because of West Saxons.

There was even a Middlesex, because of, you guessed it, Middle Saxons.

But there was NOT ever a place called No-sex.

Because no man could ever bear the thought of that.

This Old Man, He Played One.....

He played knick-knack on my _________, with a knick-knack, paddy-whack, give the dog a bone- this old man came rolling home.

We're watching a video of nursery rhymes, and I just asked my 4 year old,

"When the old man plays knick-knack, what does that mean?"

Well, of course he didn't know- nobody knows!

But if I had to guess....

It sounds like it was written by a woman who has finally figured out what men want: let the dog have his bone, and with a knick-knack paddy-whack it will be all over and he'll be on his way, or rolling over to go to sleep.

And the moral for children, I assume, is don't let old men play knick-knack on you, anywhere.  Not on your thumb, or your shoe....

Now that I've had this little fantasy, I must look up the true origins of this shit nursery rhyme.

Turns out, it started as propaganda against the Irish.  Apparently, they took an old traditional English song called Jack Jintle (or Gentle), which was about making music that inspired the neighborhood girls to dance, and changed up the lyrics to suit the cause.  The new song is a warning to english women and children about the old men (irish vagabonds) playing nick-nack (stealing) all over the place.

In 10 steps, this old Irish bastard steals from my own hand, then my shoe, my knee, my door, my honey, my firewood- then steals from God in Heaven, then comes back to my gate, steals from me my very spine and then starts all over again.  So, this old man, he's bad news.

Because when the Brits didn't completely wipe out all the Irish, they needed a strongly worded jingle, to keep their children safe from the "rag and bone" men they created.

To this day, the English still use the word "nick" for "steal".   As in, "I say, I'm making so much money ever since we nicked those Africans!  Let's nick some Irish after tea!  Harharhar!"

Ampersand, & I Don't Know Why!

the "AND" stamp?

I don't know why, but I'm picturing a printing press.  Like, the first one, even, and there's a reporter there with the printer.  I'm imagining it's noisy, even though I realize that doesn't make sense.  

And they're both wearing hats.

So the reporter, yelling over whatever noise, picks up one of the block letters and inquires,

"What's this?"  

To which the printer replies, "the AND stamp".

"The what?" (it's noisy)

"the stamp for AND"

"Well," said the reporter in retrospect, "it was noisy, and I thought he said "ampersand"".

Now that I've had this little fantasy, I must look up the actual origins of the ampersand.  Because the goal here is more smart-ass, less dumb-ass.

Turns out, it goes way further back than 15th century...  Indeed the "glyph" has been seen in 1st Century writing.  The word "and" in Latin is "et", and the ampersand is "et" in old roman cursive.  So it's accidentally a glyph; to them it was just a word.

Additionally, calling the glyph "ampersand" is an evolutionary mistake!  

In old english, they used the "et" to mean "per se", which means "by itself".  They called the "et" the "per se and", and they used it in reference to letters that are also words (A, I) to make things less confusing, but I am actually confused by that whole idea.    

It used to be taught to children as part of the ABC's (W, X, Y, Z, and per se and).  Most children learn the letter Elemenopee incorrectly at first, and the Andperseand happened that same way.  And it stuck.

 This little adventure happened because of a shitty song called "cumbersome".  Every time I hear it, I change "cumbersome" to "ampersand".  Yep.

I DON'T KNOW WHY.

And Per Se And Is Cumbersome

FeminAustenism: Jane's Message

I Already Forgot This One

I recently watched some Jane Austen movies: Pride and Prejudice, Sense and Sensibility, Mansfield Park and Emma.  Set in England's landed gentry society in the early 1800's, her stories reflect her real life a little bit, and embellish her real life a lot.

I Hate Every Girl In This One

Her heroines are fictionalized versions of herself, the smartest female around and also the most beautiful.  From the first person narrative, we learn about life for women in her time- and how frustratingly dependent on men they must be.  But these are not the works of a rebel with a cause, these are romance fantasy novels at heart.

In real life, Jane Austen grew up with one sister and a bunch of brothers.  She was close to her father and he taught her to be smart like a man (in a time when women were not really smart).  Jane Austin never married or had any children; she lived with her sister, also a spinster, and they both wrote harlequin-esque novellas until they died.  Gee, I wonder how many cats they had!

Jane Austen was not a radical feminist.  She was uniquely intelligent for her day, clearly a hopeless romantic, and based on her tales, obviously never experienced romance!  

In Love With Her Cousin

Jane Austen did not hate men, in fact she saw women as selfish, spoiled brats who ruined everything for the men who worked so hard to take care of them.  In her stories I hated them as much as she did.  Mind you, this is landed gentry of England in like the 1820's, they had servants who cooked and cleaned and changed babies, so they didn't even have basic Mom knowledge!  They knew the Bible, and some history, and how to play piano and sing, and how to play cards.....  spoiled brats!

I hate 4 of the 6 girls in this movie

To adjust for inflation, and bring this "brand" of feminism up-to-date, I would agree that too often women leave the "business" of the world up to the men, while expecting to have some kind of say in matters in the same breath.  Jane Austen would remind them that knowledge is power, and we shouldn't let the men have all of it.  

"Dear Future Husband" by Meghan Trainor: What's The Message?

You've heard it, the "all about dat bass" girl's newest song.  It sounds like the 1950's, and if girls of any age take this as gospel, those girls are going to have a shit time.  

This is what happens in my head when I hear it.

It starts, "Dear future husband,

Here's a few things you'll need to know if you wanna be my one and only all my life"

Ok, I'm in agreement that you should be upfront, honest and clear about what you want from a partner before you meet.  That will save everyone a lot of time and heartache.  Let's keep listening.

"Take me on a date, I deserve it, babe"

Well, maybe she does.  Continue.

"And don't forget the flowers every anniversary"

Demanding flowers?  In this economy?  

"Cause if you'll treat me right, I'll be the perfect wife, Buying groceries, Buy-buying what you 

need"

Yep.  Because when you imagine your "perfect wife", the first thing you think of is "well, she's gotta be really good at buying groceries" 

"You got that 9 to 5, But, baby, so do I, So don't be thinking I'll be home and baking apple pies!  I never learned to cook..."

But what about the groceries? 

What the hell did you buy?

"You gotta know how to treat me like a lady, even when I'm acting crazy"

Ok then, when you're acting like a stupid bitch, I'll.... train you with treats!  That might just work.

"and tell me everything's alright"

You mean like a parent?  You want to be hushed and calmed like a child?

"Dear future husband, If you wanna get that special lovin'"

Translation: If you want sex...then....

"Tell me I'm beautiful each and every night"

Well, ok.....

"After every fight, Just apologize"

Just take the blame for everything...

"And maybe then I'll let you try and rock my body right"

...in exchange for sex. K.

"Even if I was wrong, you know I'm never wrong, Why disagree? Why, why disagree?"

People know how wrong this attitude is, right?  Are we puppets, in puppet love?

"Dear future husband, Make time for me, Don't leave me lonely, And know we'll never see your family more than mine"

Like, Your welcome?

"I'll be sleeping on the left side of the bed,"

Claiming the left side, in advance, I'm sure she has her reasons.

"Open doors for me and you might get some... kisses"

Wait, no head? 

And please don't kiss me every time I hold the door for you.

"Don't have a dirty mind"

Um, have you ever met any male people, ever?

"Just be a classy guy, Buy me a ring, Buy-buy me a ring"

In this economy?!

Well, then, I guess she's not being ironic.  Ouch.

In conclusion:

This song is old-fashioned and sexist, but I guess I should assume she's trying to be ironic.... oh, wait.  

The problem is the perpetuation of these ideas about gender roles, and the sad truth that some girls are actually like this.

The Love Test

I know because I tested it.  I was willing to let it go if it didn't pass.  At first it didn't pass.... but it came back and passed.  Then went away again and came back again.... and passed.  And continues to pass with flying colors.

How did I test it?

By being honest and true to myself.

I established boundaries.  I decided what kind of behavior I would/would not tolerate from a partner and stuck to my guns.  

It played out like an ultimatum (I can't live with this behavior, so change it or don't be with me) over a series of fights, over the course of a couple of years.

And it came back better each time.

In conclusion, using my personal experience as a guide,

1. Test your love by being true to yourself!

2. Test your love by being honest to your partner!

3. Test your love by being willing to give it up when shit gets nutz!

I would rather be alone than waste time with a partner that isn't as awesome as I am!  Life is hard enough!  

Poor Is The New Middle Class

Willy Wonka Thinks You're A Lazy Piece Of Shit

Ronald Reagan gave a speech in 1976 about a woman who was able to con several states out of welfare checks, dubbing her the "welfare queen".
By inferring that welfare fraud was to blame for everything, and that welfare reform would make America great again, "welfare" became a dirty word, thrown around to deter women from applying for assistance.  

Reagan said it, so it must be true.

Hello, math anyone? 

 If enough of your tax dollars actually went to welfare, single mothers would rule the world by now!  Read your fucking pay stubs, why don't you!  In reality, your precious tax dollars paid for some congressman's new office furniture, his sleazy child sex trafficking party and his cocaine.

Like a Snickers bar "holds you over til dinner", welfare provides women the "safety net" they need to, say, get rid of a baby-daddy who isn't holding up his end of the deal, for example, until they can get a roommate or child support or a job or child care.... and the taxes you contribute to the welfare pot each week amount to maybe half of a Snickers bar. ($36 per year average).  And that small amount keeps beggars from ringing your doorbell.

Don't let the rumors fool you: the "safety net" is around $500 each month in cash.  Not enough to get by, not enough to enjoy life in this predicament.  

When life hands you lemons, going on welfare is like working full time at a lemonade stand for 10 cents an hour, yet people talk about it like it's a free ride.  
They'll hand you lemons and accuse you of buying vodka with food stamps...   

Let's not forget that present-day economics make it impossible to support a middle-class lifestyle. 

 Welfare isn't just for single moms anymore.  Married, hard-working, double income, good people qualify on today's wages and lack of jobs.  

50 is the new 40, gray is the new black, and welfare is the new middle-class income.  You might as well accept that.  

I bet you would qualify for assistance yourself.  And I know it's not your fault.

The Trailer Park Is The New Suburbia

Absolute Power Corrupts Absolutely, Now Corruption Is King

Have you ever fucked up?  Did you try to cover it up, blame someone else, or play dumb? 

Every problem in the world is debated on TV at some point, and never solved.  Things that should be simple are complicated with big words and circles of rhetoric that never make sense.  A web of lies.

Like the "blame the poor for poverty" spiel, some of these lies become "beliefs" that are repeated and passed down to the next generation!  

Could that be why the world has gone steadily downhill since the 50's?

Lies are spread to cover up a fuck-up, and allows the fuckers to keep fucking up.  And now corruption is more normal than not normal.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

If you ask Gov LePage "are you corrupt?" would he say, "of course not!" or would he say, "I don't have to tell you anything!"

The second answer, or any blow-off answer, I will take as an admission of guilt.  I dare every journalist alive to start asking straight up about corruption, and watch every person in politics refuse to give interviews!

You're either for corruption in government, or against it.  Which one are you?

Which Type Of Conservative Voter Are You?

How To Iron Out The Wrinkles of Irony

Irony happens when what actually is, is the opposite of what it seems.  

Well, more irony than ironic.  But nice try.

Let's iron one out right now!  In conversation, for instance.  

Person A tries to seem knowledgable by using buzzwords, but they are actually revealing their lack of knowledge of the bigger picture to person B in the process.  People like Person A are motivated by other people believing they are smart, not by actually being smart.  So don't be fooled!

Also, Person A is a bad loser.  

Like when Person A is freaking out about a problem with their computer, and Person B fixes it, which angers Person A even more, then Person A insults Person B and storms off....   (because they're embarrassed that they didn't know something and they don't know how to deal).

huge ego + tiny self esteem = how I seem > how I am

Which is the opposite of inner peace.... wow.  Have you met yourself, A? 

Wouldn't actually being smart benefit you more than just faking it? 

To seem like you are what you're not
Is a highly illogical plot!
It's actually harder 
To act like you're smarter
And do so without getting caught!