My second album is called The Long Night. I wrote these songs between the ages of 21 and 31, to express what I was going through. It tells the story of a stupid 21 year old falling for an older man, who manages to convince her that she can have it all... marriage, kids and a career in music... and then turns out to be a raging alcoholic with anger issues. But it takes ten long years for her to figure out that it's not going to get better. It takes ten years of abuse before she realizes she would rather be dead than live one more second with a drunken man baby who thinks he's king.
Of course, I'm looking back on this time with adult eyes, with years of therapy under my belt. That whole time I didn't know I could call it abuse. I didn't know that I was being gaslit into insanity. I didn't see that I was allowing myself to be exploited, that I was enabling alcoholism. I never had any self respect in my romantic relationships, I assume because I was sexually assaulted so much as a kid. Of course now I can see all the red flags in retrospect.
If I knew then what I know now, I never would have put up with him! I would have broken up with him after the first temper tantrum. I was so dumb!
If you relate to any of the songs on this album, you are probably in an abusive relationship. Consider talking to a therapist, just in case.
Track list and song descriptions:
1. Happy
Basically, a song about a stupid 21 year old who thinks she's found a keeper. The fact that he was 28 was the first of many bright, red flags. I was so easy to fool!
2. Almost Tomorrow
"let's work hard to build a life better than this one." Which I did.
3. Life And Love
This is a "Keep calm and carry on" song. A "cycle of life" song. My husband's father got cancer and was dying while I was pregnant. He died, and then we had our first baby shortly after.
4. Loud And Clear
This drunken asshole is starting to get on her nerves. But she thinks she can handle it. And she believes he wants to do better, he just needs to be told. I clearly didn't understand what I was dealing with.
5. Never Good
This song is basically saying, "every time you open your mouth, you put your foot in it" and to answer your question, No, he didn't get the hint. He didn't listen to my songs. He just kept on talking shit and yelling and embarrassing me in public.
6. Truth Is Rising
This song is a bid for peace in a never ending war with an alcoholic. It didn't work.
7. Strange Soliloquy
This song is about wishing he would change. But from the lyrics I can tell that I still didn't understand that he was planning on exploiting me as long as we lived. I was very naive, wish he could read thoughts in my head- as if he cared! Even if he could have read my mind, he would've just used that information to exploit me and control me even more! It was never a fair fight and I actually thought it was. I was so clueless!
8. Bent
I have had it! But I still keep truckin' on for some reason! But someday, Buster, someday!
9. Kick
This is my "alter ego" song, where I explore really wanting to hurt him back... but of course I cave in at the end, I'm all like "just kidding! I didnt mean to hurt you even though you hurt me every day" I was completely brainwashed!
10. Little Lies
Can't lie to myself any more. Ok maybe a little.
11. Craving A Connection
It's lonely living with someone who hates you.
12. Waiting For Sunrise
Get busy living, or get busy dying.
And then I got a therapist.
