high school drama

This body of work should have been packaged and released a long time ago, so I'm doing it now. 

These songs tell the story of who I was at the time they were written, and the rocky- um, actually, toxic- relationship that I was in. Even though this relationship and these songs happened after I graduated, I was still only 18 at the beginning- 20 by the end, but still a child the whole time. Of course, I'm viewing this "high school drama" with adult eyes, with years of therapy under my belt. Kids can't help what they don't know, and what they don't know is what hurts them. In hindsight, I never should have stayed with someone who wasn't good for me. These songs should never have happened!

1. movie girl

"her bf acts like he wants someone else, she's jealous and insecure, asking for reassurance and not getting it..." 

Red flag, gurl, DUMP HIM

2. rhyme

"she's still with this jerk and this song is about how it's going..."

Many specific red flags here, DUMP HIM

3. whatever

"she's not happy with him for all these reasons but is willing to overlook them if he would just be a little more fair, or something..."

Ignoring the red flags and gaslighting yourself? DUMP HIM

4. anything to do with love

"she's cheating because he's cheating, like, to get even..."

You are not handling this situation correctly! DUMP HIM

5. trying to save u

"she tried to stand up for herself but then he got mad and now she's like oh sorry baby did I hurt you I'm so sorry I'll never do it again you are my lord and savior..."

Look what he's done to you! DUMP HIM

6. waterfall

"she's taken all she can take and she's done..."

Well it's about time! DUMP HIM

7. my little life

"she lost... him? her life with him? a little life... a baby? And she's depressed..."

Sorry about the miscarriage but you dodged a bullet! MOVE ON

8. the one

"she's broken up with him but they're "still friends" and all she can think about is what he's doing now that's she's not there, and for some reason is torturing herself by asking him and fighting with him about it even though she says she needs time to mend..."

The epitome of high school drama! Let it go! MOVE ON

9. who I am

"she's had time to mend, she's finally over him, and they are still friends, even though everyone says its a bad idea, because they can't see who she has become since the breakup..."

And at this point she really did move on.

If you should find yourself relating to any of these songs, I strongly recommend talking to a therapist about the way your partner makes you feel, so you can respond in a healthier way than I did.

DIY My Way To The Middle

I don't know why I'm like this, I don't mean to be, 

life would be easier without this stupid "dream" or "ambition" or whatever it is. But I just always sing and write songs, and I have done this since I was a single digit child. I have always wanted to make professional recordings of my songs and hear them on the radio and have people like them and all that, and I think I just assumed I could grow up and be a full time musician... not understanding that life and husbands and kids would slow me way down...

And what I want just happens to be like the most expensive thing you could want... I mean, professional studio time and musicians, mixing and mastering and cds, at like $2500 per song, and an album is like 10 songs... That's why I started making demos on GarageBand in 2008.

Fifteen years later, I'm probably an expert at recording in GarageBand. I'm grateful that I get to record everything myself and execute my vision without some dude telling me it's a bad idea without even understanding what I'm after... 

Still, this doesn't yield the highest of quality required for industry standards. I still really want to make a high quality record someday, in a real studio, and have it mastered by a pro like Adam Ayan or Bob Ludwig. 

Until then it's DIY. I made a website on Bandzoogle and released the album "high school drama". I ordered physical CDs, and some magnets.

 I might do other Merch, idk. I might have a cd release party and try to sell stuff. Maybe I'll perform a couple of songs from the album. 

Maybe this can be like fundraising for my dream. I'll release a few DIY albums until I raise the 10 grand to make a real studio album.

 

 

My Thoughts On People Who Try To Debunk Astrology

 I have seen SO many you tubers doing videos trying to debunk astrology. They all say the same things, as if they're copying each other instead of doing actual research.

If you think you can "test" astrology using only sun signs, then you don't understand astrology enough to test it. And if you don't even try to understand it, how are you going to conclude that it doesn't work?

I love how they say that believers are relying on cognitive bias in order to believe in it, while relying on their own cognitive bias to claim it as false...

...they don't care to understand how astrology works because according to their cognitive bias, there is no way astrology could work, so they don't need to study any further... interesting... tell me again how cognitive bias makes me stupid...

Now, I am someone who really wanted to debunk astrology, so much that I studied it. I really wanted to understand why astrologers were saying what they say. I wanted to know how horoscopes were cast, and what information they're getting and how they're using it.

I'm considering doing a "debunking this video" series where I go through each one of these and tell them exactly how their cognitive bias is keeping them from understanding the thing they are trying to pick apart.

Am I Demisexual? (Trigger Warning)

I was today years old when I heard this word. And I was TRIGGERED.

Not literally today, but like, recently, when someone said they were demisexual and I had to google it and watch a bunch of you tubers talking about it... 

I was all like:

What? 

What is this? 

You only want sex when you're in a committed relationship? 

You don't desire sex unless you're already into somebody?

So you're asexual until... you're not?

I mean I still don't really get it, but... Am I demisexual?

I am triggered by this idea, to tears and rage! 

Because I didn't get to decide for myself what my sexuality was or is, I didn't get to discover this on my own. 

I was sexually assaulted -the first time- by a family member, when I was 6 years old. And that went on for a year before he was caught. So I learned about sex from a horny teenage boy, who showed me a Penthouse magazine, and made me do things I didn't wanna do. Then somehow he managed to convince me and my siblings that it was all my fault, and that I would get into huge trouble if caught, so I carried this secret around with me in first and second grade. And to top it all off, my siblings used this against me every day, as blackmail. Like, "if you don't go downstairs and get drinks for us, we're gonna tell Mom your big secret," for example... I don't think they really understood what the secret was exactly (even though he molested my sister too) or that I was being hurt, I'm sure they just liked being the boss of me.  I am just now realizing how fucking traumatic this all was for me...

... so I don't know if that somehow set the stage, but I was sexually assaulted again from age 11 to age 14 by another family member... my sister and I both were... he drugged us and fucked us, sodomized us, we both have butt problems to this day, no joke...

It was around age 15 that boys started to "make out" with girls, and it wasn't long before some rando got me to go all the way. His tiny dick was nothing compared to what I'd already been exposed to, and the experience was short and, relatively, sweet. It was his first time (and officially mine too).  I barely even liked him, but I knew I could blow his mind with sex, so I did. He got off; I never even got horny... 

And still, I have sex when I don't want to, with people I don't want, ALL THE TIME.  I mean, like, you don't understand how much unwanted sex I have had to have in my lifetime, and even to this day. 

Sex has never been for me or about me or what I want, it's always been about getting through it, playing a role, servicing a man, to keep him happy... it's been transactional, or just one of my expected duties.

Imagine if I was normal! If I had been given the opportunity to learn about sex on my own time, in my own way... what would I have discovered about myself? Maybe I would have focused on my brain, my passions for singing and social justice and my future, instead of learning to acquiesce all the time. 

I suppose the biggest difference is that I would have started the journey with my own body's pleasure as the focus instead of someone else's.

Me & Bobby McGee: I Call Bullshit!

I call bullshit on the song Me & Bobbly McGee by Janis Joplin.

And I quote:

"I pulled my harpoon out of my dirty red bandana. I was playing soft while Bobby sang the blues. Windshield wipers slappin' time, I was holding Bobby's hand in mine..."

Bullshit! You were playing the fucking harmonica, Janis, and I seen you do it, with both hands! So you expect me to believe you were holding Bobby's hand too? I mean, how many hands do you even have? You're such a liar! Get your damn story straight, woman. This is complete bullshit. I cant even.

Twin Flames

 twin flames = soul mates = split aparts = BORG

I don't know how I feel about these theories but I have had some experiences lately that triggered this research. There's a lot of people talking about this on the internet.

Some say your twin flame shares your soul, that you are 2 halves of a whole. One is positive one is negative, like 2 ends of a magnet, and this polarity is how you know you found each other. One is divine masculine and one is divine feminine. I wonder if I might be the DM, and my other half is a masculine man on the outside with the DF soul. Wouldn't surprise me.

Some say when you meet your twin flame, you start thinking about them constantly, and they show up in your dreams and daydreams, as this is your souls recognizing each other subconsciously and talking to each other in the quantum realm. 

And you begin to notice other synchronicities, messages from the universe popping up everywhere, like numbers, songs, people randomly talking on the street saying what you need to hear, a relevant commercial coming on, strange things like that. And your psychic powers, empathy, clairvoyance, clairaudience, telekinesis, telepathy, astral projection etc all intensify, simply due to meeting.

A quantum entanglement, they call it. 

I need to untangle my own soul either way. If we're one soul, then I get to you through my own soul. Not to be all Ayn Rand but I need to do what I was born to do, not what you were born to do, and I say that not knowing either of those things,

and if there really is a quantum existence where we connect, then

win-win

also if there is a collective then technically we're all soul mates

also I wonder if its more likely that we exist in a quantum parallel universe and our soul mate is really just ourself in a parallel world, born as the opposite gender perhaps...

What Should I Do? What Would You Do?

 I don't talk about this because I'm embarrassed, I guess... but if I avoid the problem then I'm not solving the problem. Actually I've just been living with it for almost 10 years now. It's like I just accepted it like "ok I guess this is me now" but in any other country they would have just fixed me... am I such a brainwashed American that I just do what my country tells me to, instead of fighting for my health? and a normal life? 

Physically recovering from anal surgery is 10 months where you're basically in bed on morphine, on a liquid diet.  The state of Maine was nice enough to give me $500 a month TANF to live on while I applied for disability, I crammed 3 roommates in with me to make ends meet, and to help take care of things while I was recovering. And my surgery actually failed, so I'm not even really recovered. Medicare/Medicaid refuse to fund another surgery because the failure rate is still at 50%. So I didn't get my life back. But I did get disability which is $1300 a month so I was relieved to get it. 

I just feel a little useless I guess. I'm not normal, I'm high maintenance. I want to be helpful but I'm limited. Is this really me now?

In retrospect, I should have been outraged instead of defeated, and I should have exploited my situation for the greater good. I should have told my story and started a movement for M4A using myself as an example... If I were a Brit or Canadian I would be fixed by now and back to work. So, in a way, isn't that more American? 

Many people have said I should start a go fund me/kick start or whatever the fuck but I am just too embarrassed to ask for money for anal surgery. I suppose I should research surgeons, maybe it wouldn't hurt to find out how much I would need to raise... UGH! I CAN'T

I just need to get rich and famous with my music I guess.