On Tuesday September 29, I found them (Sage is nonbinary and uses they/them pronouns) and I dont know how to talk about it. They were 15 years old. Fifteen and a half.
I guess I just want it on the record here. This is the most devastating thing that could ever happen to our family. I feel such overwhelming sadness and grief. It's making me crazy, nonfunctional, a zombie. Life is a fever dream.
All I want is for this to not have happened. I want time travel and clairvoyance and healing powers. I want my child back. I want so desperately these things that I can never have and its gut wrenching. All I do is cry. My body wants to weep and sob. My brain tortures me with intrusive thoughts. I am questioning my spiritual beliefs, my future, my life. Everything is in limbo. My whole life is on pause.
We know from the autopsy that there was a large amount of pills in their stomach but we are still waiting for the toxicology report. The police took their phone and laptops and we're still waiting to get those back too. In the meantime, my daughters and I found Sage's journals and song lyrics... full of suicide ideation, drug references, demons that we couldnt possibly have known about. Sage had an inner world that was completely hidden to us. I am certain this will be ruled a suicide. Sage was too smart for this to have been an accidental overdose. They knew what they were doing.
Aside from wanting what I cant have, I suppose the next best thing would be for Sage to visit me as a ghost, or in a dream, whatever, I'll take it. I wish I could be spiritual about it. The atheist in me thinks he's gone, I'll never see him again, but the witch in me wants to have a seance. The cultural christianity tells me I'll see him again when I die. My mom says she hears him and he's still in the house. It's torture, all of it.
My poor baby Sage, you could have told me everything and I would have helped you through it. I'm sorry you believed this was the only option for you. I'm sorry we didnt know how depressed you were. I'm sorry you felt like you had to hide it from us. I love you and miss you so much!
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