Genre Confusion In Marketing

 I used to be “a girl with a guitar” playing acoustic gigs in coffee shops and bars- Everybody knows girl with a guitar music. Joni Mitchell, Ani DiFranco boom. (like the high school drama era)

acoustic duo, the indigo girls, acoustic trio, wilson phillips, the chicks and the roches- (like the acoustic dear liza era)

Back when I wore flannels and chucks, my band was considered alternative, like Letters To Cleo, The Cranberries or Hole. (dear liza band era)

Over the last 20 years as a recording artist creating fully produced songs, my style has evolved from all that to... well the last album was dreampop twee. (the dead and dying era) 

and the one before that was kinda folk/rock/country. (the long night era)

I think my new music belongs on a playlist with The Weekend, Halsey, SZA, Doja, 21 Pilots, but I have heard people say nah it's closer to Jelly Roll. 

I don't sing with a southern accent as far as I know!

TL;DR What even is my genre now that is the whole point. 

I think I’m pop sub R&B because I use trap drums but country trap is a thing.

I need to make a playlist with The Weekend and see who else is on there because one of his songs sounds a lot like mine production wise, and I think he is pop r&b.

I mean yeah this is a rant, thats why I'm here. I'm worried that I think my music sounds one way when everyone else thinks it's not that at all ya know?

Maybe I'm just so unique that it's hard to define. Like Garth Marenghi.

Heartbroken Because Of My Stupid Friend

 July 8, 2026: A friendship or social connection may touch a vulnerable spot. The Moon enters Taurus in your 11th House of Community and meets Chiron there, stirring questions around belonging, group plans, online attention, or whether someone is really in your corner. You may feel tempted to overgive to stay included. Do not buy your way into closeness with emotional labor. Share one honest wish with someone trustworthy. The right people will make room for your needs without making you campaign for basic care.

Today's horoscope made me cry. Damn these are so dead on sometimes.

I'm sitting here crying because of what happened. My best friend's daughter stole from me, and the way she's handling it makes me realize maybe she isnt such a great friend. 

And I am racking my brain trying to find a way to fix it but I cant- if anything, she has to be the one to fix it. 

I suggested we go to a family counselor to try to repair the trust and find a way to move forward as a family, but she said no and went to the shelter! So they're moving out, running away, instead of facing it and trying to fix it. 

I tried to explain the situation, as I see it, and how betrayed I feel, in a way that would make sense, for example

if my kid stole from you, first of all I would pay you back right away 

(she didnt offer to pay me back)

I would punish my kid, I would take their phone, I would make them get a job, I would make them apologize and I would tell their therapists and ask for help dealing with my delinquent child! 

(she is not punishing her child or using this as a learning opportunity or to teach a lesson, no. She is coddling and spoiling her as if she didnt just commit a crime.)

I would make you feel like I was concerned for your feelings of security, by taking care of the situation and trying to make it right and giving you your money back.

 And she isnt doing that for me. She just told me to lock up my car and my purse so she cant steal them again. And that doesnt make me feel like she's handling the situation, its like shes putting her head in the sand.

And when people show you who they are, believe them.

This person does not have my back. This person is content to just take advantage of me and let her kid steal from me without consequence. 

Well, the consequence is that they either take accountability and heal the relationship or they move out. And she has chosen to go stay at the homeless shelter rather than deal with this. Rather than offering to pay me back, she said go ahead and file the police report.

If the tables were turned there would be no need to involve the police because I would do the right thing. I keep going around in circles trying to figure out another way past this (like just sucking it up and pretending like it didnt happen...) but obviously my big feelings wont go away until they are dealt with. The only way out is through, not around. But if they dont want to repair the trust then, I've done all I can do, right? 

When people show you who they are, even after 18 years of being besties, you have to believe them. I am heartbroken. And in shock.

Cinderella Has Had Enough

 July 4, 2026: A private feeling could break through before you are ready to explain it. Mars and Uranus meet in your 12th House of the Unconscious, stirring hidden desire, old memories, secret irritation, or the need to end a pattern that has been draining you quietly. You may want to disappear, confess everything, or cut the cord dramatically. Breathe first. Write the truth before speaking it. Choose the reveal or boundary that protects your peace without turning mystery into emotional chaos.

Today's horoscope made me cry because it's true.

I am full of rage because... Well,

my roommate's 15 year old daughter stole my car and my credit and debit card, charged almost $600 to the cards and used up a quarter tank of gas, broke the electrical panel on the passenger side, and got the inside of the car all dirty. She didnt even try to hide the evidence.

Of course the car evidence I saw right away. I knew as soon as I saw where it was parked that someone else had driven it. When I got in, the seat was all the way back, the radio was turned all the way down, my visor was up, the panel was broken and dangling, the outer panel was popped out over the tire, and I was down from a half tank to a quarter tank.

Then I drove to Walgreens to get medicine because I'm sick, and my credit card didnt work. Impossible! 

I went home and called the bank. I spent the next 3 hours on the phone with the bank, disputing all the charges that weren't mine. So of course I had to cancel both my credit and debit cards and order new ones. And the bank lady suggested that I file a police report, so they could reverse the fraudulent charges. And I did.

When I told my roommate, she apologized to me. But she did not take her child's phone away or punish her in any way. What? I mean the whole reason you give your kid a phone is so you have something to take away when they mess up. So I have to get the police involved because she's too scared of making her tyrant daughter mad at her by holding her accountable? 

This is not an isolated incident. Her daughter has been refusing to go to school, refusing to come home before curfew, lying and sneaking out, stealing weed-

so this whole time I've been telling my roommate "you need to set boundaries with her! Take her phone away until she goes back to school, dont let her go out with friends, stop buying her things, stop paying for her phone, she needs to face consequences or she will just get worse"

Long story short, it got worse.

Her daughter used her phone to steal from me and she STILL won't take it away.

So now I live with 2 people that I can't trust. Their family drama is one thing- they are currently in the middle of a custody battle because her daughter's dad is trying to prove that my roommate is a bad mom, which she is, but he is even worse, so...

Not to mention the fact that I am their maid. They make my life harder than it needs to be and all I get is $1000 a month for rent. I'm not sure this is worth it.

But it isnt that simple. We are family. Our kids are best friends and have grown up together. 

But her daughter used her phone to steal from me and she STILL wont take it away! I am furious! Selfishly furious but also I hate that she is being a terrible mother on my watch! And there's nothing I can do!

Except press charges, and evict them. I mean, I don't want to throw away a 20 year friendship but 

after all I have done for them- you have no idea- after all I have done for her, she is going to allow her daughter to steal from me and continue to walk all over her- 

but I will not allow her to walk all over me.

I have moon in Aries! I can't hold this in! I wake up every morning full of rage. I find myself thinking evil thoughts- and I will speak them and I will regret it.

I just don't know how a friendship can recover from all this anger and mistrust. And I have pretty much lost all respect for her. I kinda hate them both. I love them too. They are family, we have lived together for so long and have been through so much together. 

I'm afraid of her daughter's bad behavior rubbing off on my kid.

I'm afraid of being stolen from again. What if I forget to lock up my car and purse? Why should I have to feel afraid in my own home that I own? Living here is a privilege, not a right.

I feel betrayed by my best friend, whose daughter is a delinquent because she never faces any consequence for her actions. And this is spilling over into my life and making my life harder than it needs to be.

I'm angry and sad and I dont know what to do. I am afraid of what I might do out of anger as well. If anyone fucks with me or my money- youre dead, youre fucking dead. And I hate feeling this way about them. I hate wishing I could get rid of them and I hate that I want to hit them both. 

Somebody please fuck with me so I can kick your ass and get this rage out of my body? LOL

Men Who Sleep With Men But Aren't Gay Is The Latest Trend And I'm So Here For It

Shhh! I'm trying to make fetch happen!

Men. Hypersexual. Always horny. Lying to get sex. They will fuck someone they dont have feelings for, no problem, no remorse, no regret. They will fuck women they arent attracted to because they just need the sex that much...

so why exclude men? If you can separate "i'm just using you for sex I dont actually want you" with women, you can certainly do it with men too. You can fuck each other, and not be in love or even attracted to men at all, you can just use each other for sex. And that wouldnt make you gay. Ancient greeks and romans, just sayin...

Men really need to get over the whole "being called a fag" thing because who cares. Youre out there lying and tricking women, when you could just- oh snap is that why you like transgirls? ok ok but still, you dont need to stealth those desires, like, youre all out here performing for other men who are literally doing the same thing as you behind closed doors. You guys are holding each other to these hyper masculine standards that arent even real. And if men would just stop harassing other men then maybe you wouldnt be such miserable human beings. I mean you guys could really kill two birds with one stone here. It's like, your fears are running the show. It's as if peer pressure is the ultimate life or death of it all. LOL! Imagine being so fragile that you need to pretend to be something that none of you really are for each other in order to have friends. 

And you know what? Men are so influenced by other men that it wouldnt even take very long to change the overton window on this. It would only take one popular guy on tiktok to start the trend of "yeah I sleep with men but I'm not gay" and then suddenly you'll all have permission to do it too. Just sayin...

They Must've Been Forking Each Other Silly

 The ancient Greeks thought it was perfectly normal for men to fuck each other... actually "being a homosexual" wasn't a thing until Dandies and macaroni caps. 

So how did it become an abomination in the eyes of the Lord?! 

I mean IDK but I was just imagining that maybe the Roman army generals couldn't control their men because of all the rampant fucking and were like, "how are we gonna patrol this empire when all these men can't stop fucking each other for five minutes and focus?" And from there it made its way into the Bible. 

IDK would that even make a group of men more efficient? Or less?!

anyway maybe it wasn't about hate, maybe it was about productivity?

I Was Wrong About AI (And I'll Never Use It Again)

I'm not using AI anymore, I'm not using ChatGPT anymore, and I urge you to do the same.

I didn't understand how much damage was being done by the data centers, I didn't realize that they were stealing freshwater and overloading the power grids, nor did I understand the evil that it would be used for, especially against women and children.

I am a tech positive person but this tech is hurting people and depleting our greatest natural resource. #nomoreAI #aiisbad

I Want To Be Known As A Producer So I Can Get Work As A Producer

If I were the type to make videos where I talk to the camera, I would be making one about the Dear Liza EP I'm working on, specifically the song Stoned. 

I'm not sure how I would film myself talking about this, because I would want it to be filmed like you were standing right next to me or looking over my shoulder while I show you on the computer what I'm thinking- for example, 

after the chorus, there's some dead space... I'm thinking that chorus line could be repeated to fill that gap.

And then at the end, the pauses in the last chorus? They should be sequential and on beat, to make one long chorus that you can groove along with instead of being broke up like they are. 

Also, this song is so cheeky, I think it needs sound effects. 

How many times does it mention a train? How about some train sounds off in the distance? 

Tidal wave? We should hear it! 

Stoned?! We need bong hits in the background! And a party, and coughing and laughter!

Also the high harmony is missing in the chorus, I would like to add it.

If you follow me on insta, you just heard this song because I just posted it, twice actually, so you might know exactly what I'm talking about, and you may even disagree because you love it the way it is so much haha just kidding theres no way- 

So this is me being a producer, and I should be making videos about this, because I want to be known as a producer. I should film myself producing so you all know about my skills and maybe want to hire me to record you, or to produce tracks you already have, like I'm doing with Dear Liza right now. I just cant figure out how to capture this on camera by myself holding the phone. I mean it doesn't even make sense to show myself on camera, maybe I could just show my screen and talk... I could be on screen if I had a camera man- oh maybe just a tripod. I should look into that because I really should be putting my face on camera so you can get to know me! 

Ok, go follow me on insta, lilmcgillmusic. I will follow you back.

The Sitcom That Is My Life

For years, I've been living in a sitcom. Two single mothers and their kids live together in the suburbs, with episodes of blended family friendly fun and shenanigans, and sometimes drunken adult shenanigans when the kids visit their dads. Good show. 

Then suddenly,

my ex husband tells me, oops he sold his house and doesn't have anything lined up, guess he'll have to move in with us while he looks for a new place... and the market is bad... so he's gonna take his time finding the right place... New show! 

We've officially gone from Valerie to The Hogan Family. Yeah I'm a little sad, but. These shows can't last forever.

I shouldn't complain. He's the bumbling sitcom Dad that fixes things around the house and makes omelettes at the crack of dawn. Always making jokes, always trying to help. Likes grocery shopping. Will watch soccer with my Mom. In many ways life will improve. My house will improve, at the very least.

Now the sitcom is sitcom-ing, and the shenanigans are shenanigan-ing even more as my kids are here full time and my ex husband is suddenly a roommate, with pets, that I have to consider, work around and compromise with. And introduce to all my friends. And wait for and clean up after and pay attention to... it's fine. What's one more person, a dog, and a cat and kids full time? 

Stay tuned for more blended family fun and adventure. I'll surely be venting about it!

Lil McGill Esta Aprendiendo Espanol (Y No Puede Encontrar Un Enye)

 Como cambio mi keyboard de ingles a espanol? Bueno, econtre un keyboard universal pero como lo uso? Uso mi portatil ahorrita... seria mas facil en mi celular (sigh... como se dice sigh en espanol?)

Anyway, mi espanol es horrible pero quiero aprender. Necesito practicar. Por favor, digame en espanol y dame una prueba, un examenito jaja me gustaria mucho...

Es que, mi cerebro sabe muchas palabras, pero yo no. No puedo hablar con mi boca. En vida real, necesito tanto tiempo para encontrar las palabras, jaja. Y por supuesto, hay muchas frases que todavia no aprendi. Tambien, no entiendo nada cuando me hablas! Tienes que hablar lentamente, lo siento. 

Hago Duolingo cada manana -dammit where's the enye- cada dia, y tambien miro el How To Spanish podcast cada dia y escucho musica en espanol... y otros, hay muchos videos para aprender espanol- ugh basta! no puedo sin enye es equivocado y grosero

el punto es, estoy ensenando yo mismo y quiero practicar espanol con hablanativos cuando posible, quiero ser fluida algun dia.  Muchas gracias, amigos <3

ok hasta luego

The Internet's Big Sister

 I should be a therapist or social worker for real. With ~12 years of therapy under my belt, I learned so much I feel like I should get an honorary degree! 

And for those people who won't go to therapy or who can't afford to make it happen, well... who can they turn to? They need a big sister to steer them right. Maybe me?

Idk I'm just a natural helper. How do I go about putting that out there? Like, hey if anyone needs a big sister, make an appointment. 

I could call myself a mediator. If you need to settle an argument, call me.

I could call myself a life coach. If you just don't know what to do in any given situation, call me.

Like whenever I go on the dating apps, I end up being every guy's therapist. And they are desperate for someone to listen to them and help them. 

I have grandiose daydreams about having my own talk show- well nowadays it would be a podcast- for those guys, I guess, where I could help people deal with their personal shit while also somehow affecting some sort of shift in social culture, especially the toxic male colonizer culture that so many of my friends have internalized and need to be "big sistered" out of. Maybe people could call/text/email me questions anonymously and I could read them out loud and we, the studio audience/guests/the chat and I, could discuss solutions and come to some sort of cultural conclusions. 

The point is, I am somebody's therapist in real life every day. Why can't this be my job?

How do you want to be helped? If you want anonymous advice or whatever, HOW? Just tell me how. 

Some people prefer to get therapy under the guise of a tarot reading or astrology, which is fine, some people need that to be the catalyst for their therapy. Others hate that and need a different approach. 

Like an advice column/advice podcast/advice channel, we could call it Not All Men? or The Internet's Big Sister, or something that wouldn't scare guys away or make them think its just for women. IDK I'm just spitballin now.

Would the guys from the dating apps even be open to calling an advice podcast?

covers

 I took a course called "How To Make $ With Your Music". At the time, I didn't even have a product to sell. So I organized all my singles into albums. Then I called a bunch of studios to discuss recording time and all that... which is way too expensive so instead, I bought a macbook pro, and Logic pro, and took a bunch of courses on how to use it and released three albums. 

Then I took a course called "How To Market Your Music" and it told me to build an email list.

So I took a course called "How To Build Your Email List" and it told me to record some cover songs to give away as a free download in exchange for people's emails, and THEN buy facebook ads to drive traffic to my website to collect emails, and then market my music and merch to the people on my email list.

So I guess I need to focus on putting together an album of cover songs to give away for free on my website, in exchange for emails.

Dead and Dying

 My third album is called Dead and Dying. This is a collection of songs that I wrote about another tumultuous relationship. Again, I am looking at this whole situation with disgust, through adult eyes, with years of therapy under my belt... 

If I knew then what I know now, this relationship would never have happened! I ignored every red flag right from the start! Let me explain:

1. Live Like This

I wrote this because he didn't want anything serious and I was trying to be the cool girl about it.

2. Writer's Block

I wrote this about how I should stop seeing him since I found out he has a girlfriend... and I did. But started again after a couple months. Eventually he moved in.

3. Dead and Dying

I wrote this about living with a liar, who thinks you are also a liar.

4. Broke

I wrote this after we broke up but were still sleeping together ??? I was a mess. And then I got pregnant. And he moved back in.

5. Don't Let The Rain Out

I wrote this when I found out he was cheating on me, while I was pregnant, of course he was. He moved in with her when I was 8 months along.

6. Come Back

Sigh. I have to forgive myself for being like that. But I cringe.

7. Bitch Tax

I wrote this many years later. We should have been in a much better place but for some reason, he kept us in the past, and had so much hate and distrust for me, and acted outright disrespectful to me. As if he misremembered our entire history.

If you can relate to any of my songs, you are probably in an abusive relationship. Instead of writing songs about these jerks, I should have just left them! I had no self respect. I was co dependent.  Please don't stay with people who are hurting you. Love shouldn't be a struggle.

The Long Night

 My second album is called The Long Night. I wrote these songs between the ages of 21 and 31, to express what I was going through. It tells the story of a stupid 21 year old falling for an older man, who manages to convince her that she can have it all... marriage, kids and a career in music... and then turns out to be a raging alcoholic with anger issues. But it takes ten long years for her to figure out that it's not going to get better. It takes ten years of abuse before she realizes she would rather be dead than live one more second with a drunken man baby who thinks he's king.

Of course, I'm looking back on this time with adult eyes, with years of therapy under my belt. That whole time I didn't know I could call it abuse. I didn't know that I was being gaslit into insanity. I didn't see that I was allowing myself to be exploited, that I was enabling alcoholism. I never had any self respect in my romantic relationships, I assume because I was sexually assaulted so much as a kid. Of course now I can see all the red flags in retrospect. 

If I knew then what I know now, I never would have put up with him! I would have broken up with him after the first temper tantrum. I was so dumb! 

If you relate to any of the songs on this album, you are probably in an abusive relationship. Consider talking to a therapist, just in case. 

Track list and song descriptions:

1. Happy

Basically, a song about a stupid 21 year old who thinks she's found a keeper. The fact that he was 28 was the first of many bright, red flags. I was so easy to fool!

2. Almost Tomorrow

"let's work hard to build a life better than this one." Which I did.

3. Life And Love

This is a "Keep calm and carry on" song. A "cycle of life" song. My husband's father got cancer and was dying while I was pregnant. He died, and then we had our first baby shortly after.

4. Loud And Clear

This drunken asshole is starting to get on her nerves. But she thinks she can handle it. And she believes he wants to do better, he just needs to be told. I clearly didn't understand what I was dealing with.

5. Never Good

This song is basically saying, "every time you open your mouth, you put your foot in it" and to answer your question, No, he didn't get the hint. He didn't listen to my songs. He just kept on talking shit and yelling and embarrassing me in public.

6. Truth Is Rising

This song is a bid for peace in a never ending war with an alcoholic. It didn't work.

7. Strange Soliloquy

This song is about wishing he would change. But from the lyrics I can tell that I still didn't understand that he was planning on exploiting me as long as we lived. I was very naive, wish he could read thoughts in my head- as if he cared! Even if he could have read my mind, he would've just used that information to exploit me and control me even more! It was never a fair fight and I actually thought it was. I was so clueless!

8. Bent

I have had it! But I still keep truckin' on for some reason! But someday, Buster, someday!

9. Kick

This is my "alter ego" song, where I explore really wanting to hurt him back... but of course I cave in at the end, I'm all like "just kidding! I didnt mean to hurt you even though you hurt me every day" I was completely brainwashed!

10. Little Lies

Can't lie to myself any more. Ok maybe a little.

11. Craving A Connection

It's lonely living with someone who hates you.

12. Waiting For Sunrise

Get busy living, or get busy dying.

And then I got a therapist. 

Click Bait-y Titles For My Memoir

 I Was A Six Year Old Sex Slave

Sex At Six: And Boy, Was I Screwed

How Fucking Kids Fucks Them For Life

high school drama

This body of work should have been packaged and released a long time ago, so I'm doing it now. 

These songs tell the story of who I was at the time they were written, and the rocky- um, actually, toxic- relationship that I was in. Even though this relationship and these songs happened after I graduated, I was still only 18 at the beginning- 20 by the end, but still a child the whole time. Of course, I'm viewing this "high school drama" with adult eyes, with years of therapy under my belt. Kids can't help what they don't know, and what they don't know is what hurts them. In hindsight, I never should have stayed with someone who wasn't good for me. These songs should never have happened!

1. movie girl

"her bf acts like he wants someone else, she's jealous and insecure, asking for reassurance and not getting it..." 

Red flag, gurl, DUMP HIM

2. rhyme

"she's still with this jerk and this song is about how it's going..."

Many specific red flags here, DUMP HIM

3. whatever

"she's not happy with him for all these reasons but is willing to overlook them if he would just be a little more fair, or something..."

Ignoring the red flags and gaslighting yourself? DUMP HIM

4. anything to do with love

"she's cheating because he's cheating, like, to get even..."

You are not handling this situation correctly! DUMP HIM

5. trying to save u

"she tried to stand up for herself but then he got mad and now she's like oh sorry baby did I hurt you I'm so sorry I'll never do it again you are my lord and savior..."

Look what he's done to you! DUMP HIM

6. waterfall

"she's taken all she can take and she's done..."

Well it's about time! DUMP HIM

7. my little life

"she lost... him? her life with him? a little life... a baby? And she's depressed..."

Sorry about the miscarriage but you dodged a bullet! MOVE ON

8. the one

"she's broken up with him but they're "still friends" and all she can think about is what he's doing now that's she's not there, and for some reason is torturing herself by asking him and fighting with him about it even though she says she needs time to mend..."

The epitome of high school drama! Let it go! MOVE ON

9. who I am

"she's had time to mend, she's finally over him, and they are still friends, even though everyone says its a bad idea, because they can't see who she has become since the breakup..."

And at this point she really did move on.

If you should find yourself relating to any of these songs, I strongly recommend talking to a therapist about the way your partner makes you feel, so you can respond in a healthier way than I did.

DIY My Way To The Middle

I don't know why I'm like this, I don't mean to be, 

life would be easier without this stupid "dream" or "ambition" or whatever it is. But I just always sing and write songs, and I have done this since I was a single digit child. I have always wanted to make professional recordings of my songs and hear them on the radio and have people like them and all that, and I think I just assumed I could grow up and be a full time musician... not understanding that life and husbands and kids would slow me way down...

And what I want just happens to be like the most expensive thing you could want... I mean, professional studio time and musicians, mixing and mastering and cds, at like $2500 per song, and an album is like 10 songs... That's why I started making demos on GarageBand in 2008.

Fifteen years later, I'm probably an expert at recording in GarageBand. I'm grateful that I get to record everything myself and execute my vision without some dude telling me it's a bad idea without even understanding what I'm after... 

Still, this doesn't yield the highest of quality required for industry standards. I still really want to make a high quality record someday, in a real studio, and have it mastered by a pro like Adam Ayan or Bob Ludwig. 

Until then it's DIY. I made a website on Bandzoogle and released the album "high school drama". I ordered physical CDs, and some magnets.

 I might do other Merch, idk. I might have a cd release party and try to sell stuff. Maybe I'll perform a couple of songs from the album. 

Maybe this can be like fundraising for my dream. I'll release a few DIY albums until I raise the 10 grand to make a real studio album.

 

 

My Thoughts On People Who Try To Debunk Astrology

 I have seen SO many you tubers doing videos trying to debunk astrology. They all say the same things, as if they're copying each other instead of doing actual research.

If you think you can "test" astrology using only sun signs, then you don't understand astrology enough to test it. And if you don't even try to understand it, how are you going to conclude that it doesn't work?

I love how they say that believers are relying on cognitive bias in order to believe in it, while relying on their own cognitive bias to claim it as false...

...they don't care to understand how astrology works because according to their cognitive bias, there is no way astrology could work, so they don't need to study any further... interesting... tell me again how cognitive bias makes me stupid...

Now, I am someone who really wanted to debunk astrology, so much that I studied it. I really wanted to understand why astrologers were saying what they say. I wanted to know how horoscopes were cast, and what information they're getting and how they're using it.

I'm considering doing a "debunking this video" series where I go through each one of these and tell them exactly how their cognitive bias is keeping them from understanding the thing they are trying to pick apart.

Am I Demisexual? (Trigger Warning)

I was today years old when I heard this word. And I was TRIGGERED.

Not literally today, but like, recently, when someone said they were demisexual and I had to google it and watch a bunch of you tubers talking about it... 

I was all like:

What? 

What is this? 

You only want sex when you're in a committed relationship? 

You don't desire sex unless you're already into somebody?

So you're asexual until... you're not?

I mean I still don't really get it, but... Am I demisexual?

I am triggered by this idea, to tears and rage! 

Because I didn't get to decide for myself what my sexuality was or is, I didn't get to discover this on my own. 

I was sexually assaulted -the first time- by a family member, when I was 6 years old. And that went on for a year before he was caught. So I learned about sex from a horny teenage boy, who showed me a Penthouse magazine, and made me do things I didn't wanna do. Then somehow he managed to convince me and my siblings that it was all my fault, and that I would get into huge trouble if caught, so I carried this secret around with me in first and second grade. And to top it all off, my siblings used this against me every day, as blackmail. Like, "if you don't go downstairs and get drinks for us, we're gonna tell Mom your big secret," for example... I don't think they really understood what the secret was exactly (even though he molested my sister too) or that I was being hurt, I'm sure they just liked being the boss of me.  I am just now realizing how fucking traumatic this all was for me...

... so I don't know if that somehow set the stage, but I was sexually assaulted again from age 11 to age 14 by another family member... my sister and I both were... he drugged us and fucked us, sodomized us, we both have butt problems to this day, no joke...

It was around age 15 that boys started to "make out" with girls, and it wasn't long before some rando got me to go all the way. His tiny dick was nothing compared to what I'd already been exposed to, and the experience was short and, relatively, sweet. It was his first time (and officially mine too).  I barely even liked him, but I knew I could blow his mind with sex, so I did. He got off; I never even got horny... 

And still, I have sex when I don't want to, with people I don't want, ALL THE TIME.  I mean, like, you don't understand how much unwanted sex I have had to have in my lifetime, and even to this day. 

Sex has never been for me or about me or what I want, it's always been about getting through it, playing a role, servicing a man, to keep him happy... it's been transactional, or just one of my expected duties.

Imagine if I was normal! If I had been given the opportunity to learn about sex on my own time, in my own way... what would I have discovered about myself? Maybe I would have focused on my brain, my passions for singing and social justice and my future, instead of learning to acquiesce all the time. 

I suppose the biggest difference is that I would have started the journey with my own body's pleasure as the focus instead of someone else's.

Me & Bobby McGee: I Call Bullshit!

I call bullshit on the song Me & Bobbly McGee by Janis Joplin.

And I quote:

"I pulled my harpoon out of my dirty red bandana. I was playing soft while Bobby sang the blues. Windshield wipers slappin' time, I was holding Bobby's hand in mine..."

Bullshit! You were playing the fucking harmonica, Janis, and I seen you do it, with both hands! So you expect me to believe you were holding Bobby's hand too? I mean, how many hands do you even have? You're such a liar! Get your damn story straight, woman. This is complete bullshit. I cant even.

Twin Flames

 twin flames = soul mates = split aparts = BORG

I don't know how I feel about these theories but I have had some experiences lately that triggered this research. There's a lot of people talking about this on the internet.

Some say your twin flame shares your soul, that you are 2 halves of a whole. One is positive one is negative, like 2 ends of a magnet, and this polarity is how you know you found each other. One is divine masculine and one is divine feminine. I wonder if I might be the DM, and my other half is a masculine man on the outside with the DF soul. Wouldn't surprise me.

Some say when you meet your twin flame, you start thinking about them constantly, and they show up in your dreams and daydreams, as this is your souls recognizing each other subconsciously and talking to each other in the quantum realm. 

And you begin to notice other synchronicities, messages from the universe popping up everywhere, like numbers, songs, people randomly talking on the street saying what you need to hear, a relevant commercial coming on, strange things like that. And your psychic powers, empathy, clairvoyance, clairaudience, telekinesis, telepathy, astral projection etc all intensify, simply due to meeting.

A quantum entanglement, they call it. 

I need to untangle my own soul either way. If we're one soul, then I get to you through my own soul. Not to be all Ayn Rand but I need to do what I was born to do, not what you were born to do, and I say that not knowing either of those things,

and if there really is a quantum existence where we connect, then

win-win

also if there is a collective then technically we're all soul mates

also I wonder if its more likely that we exist in a quantum parallel universe and our soul mate is really just ourself in a parallel world, born as the opposite gender perhaps...